funny one lines/jokes

omg lol

heres one for today..

A boy goes home to his mum and says "Ive got the biggest cock in my nursery school, is that because im from Birkenhead?" so the mum says "No son its because your 28 and retarded. Now try not to get spaghetti down your Tranmere shirt"

Another quick one..

Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks the shop assistant what material they'r made of. She replies "It's genuine human skin and they cost £1,500". The woman replies "Crikey, I cant afford that" The shop assistant says "Dont worry, we have them in black for £4.99"

lmao
well funny both of them
i like

todays joke is an old one and u may have heard it before but i find it funny

Two guys walk into a bar, and they both have black eyes. "How did you get your black eye?" asks the first guy.

"Well, it was a slip of the tongue. You see, I was walking through the park one day when I saw a woman with three beautiful children. I walked up to her to compliment her on her children, but when I tried to say, "You have some lovely kiddies," I accidentally said, You have some lovely titties. So she slapped me and gave me this black eye."

" How about you, how did you get your black eye?"

"Well, I too had a slip of the tongue. I was sitting down to breakfast with my wife of thirty-two years, and I tried to say, 'Would you please pass the Cornflakes?' but instead I said, 'You ruined my life you fucking bitch."

lol i herd that one before but sstill makes me laugh it is good m8.

lol

todays humble joke
enjoy guys

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mother, Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mother, Joyce, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving"

i also thought this one was quite funny
good old blonde jokes heh

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with death, one blonde turned to the other and said,
"I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

lol both good m8, i like the blonde one tho.

todays joke


At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

ouch

haha women abuse, u gotta laugh.

sorry its a bit later
i am busy for a change today lol

heres a festive one for you

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his
frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the Door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

and a nice little joke for you all

two cows are in a field one of the cows says "moooo" the other cow says "fucking hell i was just about to say that!!"

haha m8 both quality, i like the cow one tho

trent FTW

lol! nice m8..
Il find some to post tonight... so stay tuned

erm im lacking today sorry guys

A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"

"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"

"About two minutes ago," came the reply

haha i like that one,

i got one for use

There were four country churches in a small English town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

lol, n1.

heres mine
What word begins which N and ends in R which is something you never what to call ablack person?

Neighbour

A litle alterboy is walking out the chaple door after mass, the priest calls after him "see you later alligator".
The alterboy shouts back "in a while Peadophile!"

nice

haha there good charlie i like the one with the alterboy tho

Dyslexics of the World UNTIE!!!