funny one lines/jokes

haha that is amazing mate, good twist lol.

rolf

funny as this one

Linford Christie goes into a golf club and the man at the reception, looking a bit embarrassed says "Sorry sir, we dont let black people play here. Theres another club 10 minutes down the road that might help you". "But im Linford Christie!" he says. "Alright then," the man replies, "3 minutes down the road now fuck off!"

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an "exotic" pet. As she looks about in the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs.

The sign says:

"Sex frogs"
Only $20 each!
Comes with complete instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll TAKE one!"

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions!"

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise... NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions... Please call the pet store."

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions."
"The damn frog just SITS there!.

The man... looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes, and STERNLY says:

"LISTEN TO ME!!
"I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE...MORE...TIME!!!"


classic, has to be done

and one more for good luck lol

What's the best way to fuck a woman in a wheelchair?

Slash her tyres!

Haha harsh, very harsh but fuuny, the blonde one is good to lol!

When I was a teenager, I used to pray every night that the girl next door would fancy me so that I could make love to her.

When I grew up, I realised that God didn't work like that, so I raped her and prayed for forgiveness.

lol good one

A salesman came across a house that had a large amount of cars parked outside it, intrigued he stopped and decided to sell his double glazing to the owner.

Answering the door was a gorgeous young woman, and the salesman started into his banter.

After she turned down his offer for double glazing, his curiosity got the better of him and he asked how she came to acquire so many cars.

"Well" she said. "I make bets with gentlemen, they lose they give me their car."

The salesman becoming more intrigued, asks "What does the bet entail?" "All they have to do is copy exactly what my son does."

"Is that all? How old is your son?" "He's only seven."

With this the salesman can't resist anymore. "OK, I'll bet you I can do exactly what your son can do and if you win you get my car, but what do I get?" "I'll buy your double glazing and give you a good time in my bedroom."

The salesman agrees and the woman calls her son. "Right, Tommy I want you to put your hand up my blouse." Tommy puts his hand up his mother's blouse and the salesman does exactly the same.

"Tommy, put your hand in my bra." Tommy puts his hand in his mother's bra and the salesman does exactly the same.

"Tommy I want you to put your hand up my skirt" Tommy puts his hand up his mother's skirt and the salesman does exactly the same.

"Now Tommy, I want you to bend your dick."

The salesman hands her his keys.

haha nice, that would be wikid fun

Quote :

"Now Tommy, I want you to bend your dick."

surely should be

"i want you to bend my dick"

would be very weird as its the mum saying that to her son lol
pretty sure if she said that it would turn anyone off straight away and she would always lose the bet lol

i thought it ment she had a dick, would explain why the kid put his hand up her skirt....

kid put his hand up her skirt so that he would do the same thing to turn him on lol

i'm well confused....

my joke for the day

2 englishman 2 irishman 2 scottsman and 2 welshman get stranded on a desert island

2 weeks later the scotts have set up a distillary...
the welsh have started a quior
the irishman are fighting on the beech
and the 2 englishman are still waiting to be formally introduced!

not that great really =/

i dunno if i should cos i like u too much but after that joke i only have 2 words for you



Y
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u
r





b
a
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r
e
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!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!

how about i make it up with a funny one!

whats the difference between michael jackson and acne?

one doesn't cum on ur face till your 15

lololol
nice one dude
have to tell u im glad ur on forum dude ur helping pass the time at work so well
so muchos gracias amigo

i got one for u

"Why men are not agony aunts"

*****

Dear Neville,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him any more.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk


Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Neville

lol you posted that one the other day trent. it is funny tho and good baring skills there.

yup read it already dude :p

my barring skills are second to none people bow to its greatness

sorry bout that joke
cant see any good ones today, just a load of shit ones

trent the one already gave his is good enough brother, i like women.

Whats black and white and goes to bed hungry?

heath ledgers cat.

'Will these sleeping tablets work, doc' said Heath Ledger.
'Yep son,' said the doc,' you'll be dead to the world in no time.'

A blonde is being given swimming lessons by a young lifeguard.

She turns to him and says,"this isn't very comfortable.Are you sure i'll sink if you take your finger out?"