funny one lines/jokes

ha, not as good as the others but worth a chuckle mon a me

yeah it werent the best to be fair
this one i hope is up to normal standards

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the drivers door.

'Is there a problem Officer?'

The policeman says, 'Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?'

The driver responds, 'I'd give it to you but I don't have one.'

'You don't have one?'

The man responds, 'I lost it four times for drink driving.'

The policeman is shocked. 'I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?'

'I'm sorry, I can't do that.'

The policeman says, 'Why not?'

'I stole this car.'

The officer says, 'Stole it?'

The man says, 'Yes, and I killed the owner.'

At this point the officer is getting irate. 'You what!?'

'She's in the boot if you want to see.'

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says 'Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!'

The man steps out of his vehicle. 'Is there a problem sir?'

'One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.'

'Murdered the owner?'

The officer responds, 'Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?'

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, 'Is this your car sir?'

The man says 'Yes', and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. 'One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.'

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. 'Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.'

The man replies, 'I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!'

haha good one man, now that is one way to get out of a speeding ticket.

giggidy goo

todays joke, its a bit poor but i found it funny

my grandmother died on her 90th birthday.it was a terrible shame.....we were only half way through giving her the bumps at the time!!!

Harry Potter stories are so far fetched. I mean, I can buy the fact that magic exists, mabey even unicorns, but have you ever heard of a ginger kid with two mates?

haha nice one charlie. trent man, whats goin on

just not in the right mood today for jokes

tomorrow will be better i sware

awww whats up baby, want to talk about it?

here comes another one...

West Midlands police are currently looking for a "Racist Attacker!". I called up the hotline, but apparently it wasn't a job advertisment.

nah im cool chap, everything is cool, things with this bird are just going slower than i wanted and its starting to get to me a little bit, but im ok now, she has explained herself

right
hopefully we shall see if my skills are back. Enjoy

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

What was the explanaition then trent?? im all ears...
*whispers* was she a bloke?

nope she werent a bloke
cant be arsed to go into it all
but she is just stressed at the moment as she has loads of things going on
tis all cool

Glad it is all cool trent but i am moe happy that u got your Skills back with the jokes boy!

cheers chappy
another boring day another joke, this one is for church cos im pretty sure he is from Birmingham

A Brummie goes to Ground Zero in New York one year after 9/11. Whilst there, he sees a fireman paying his respects. The Brummie says to him, "there were a lot of people that were very proud of what you guys did".

"Thanks buddy," the fireman replies.
"You lot were bloody brave," the Brummie says.
"Thanks. Where are you from anyhow?" the fireman asks.
"Birmingham," he replies.
"Birmingham? What state's that in?" asks the fireman.

The Brummie looks around and replies, "about the same as this really..."

haha that is quality i liked that one tbf

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.

The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.


lol, made me chuckle, i will try to do a joke a day to trent just so ur not alone

i liked that one
made me chuckle chap

whay

todays joke
enjoy, thank you please

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I'm asking for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies. "In Susie's room, It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job, You'll need to support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 pounds a week and I make 10 pounds a week. That's about 60 pounds a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out.
I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "That wont happen , she only lets me shag her up the arse"

omg hahaha roflmaoapimp

haha amzing m8.

ah thankyou

heres today

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough to fuck, I'll go home.

lol sounds like my wife

Quote :

Capt_Chunk Fri Dec 07, 2007 5:40 pm

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lol sounds like my wife

dont talk about trent like that


ok..
A man walks into a bar, who's barman is black and says "A pint of lager please nigger". The bartender hits the roof and says "How would you like it if we traded places??" so the man gets behind the bar, and the black bloke walks in, "Pint please honkie" and the man turns and says, "sorry mate we dont serve niggers in here"

lmao
nice charlie