funny one lines/jokes

haha all good mate, cant believ there are heath ledger jokes alreay tho lol

i know mate
its well harsh

Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin

Q: How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Yeah, as if they have electricity in Liverpool...

An Italian, a Frenchman and a Scouser are discussing their relative performance in bed. The Italian says - "When I've a finshed a makin da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy" The Frenchman replies - "Zat is nossing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with my girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats ze 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy" The Scouser says - "Dat's nothin, when I've finished shaggin me bird, I get out of bed, walk over to da winda and wipe my knob clean on da curtains. She hits the ****in roof !!!"

This man pulls up in his Merc beside a little boy.

He opens the door, holds out a brown paper bag of sweets and says, "Hey kid, if I give you a sweetie, will you come in my car."

To which the kid replies, "Gimme the bag and I'll come in your mouth!"

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other,

"I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."

haha there good charlie mate, i do like the tramp one tho.

hehe. made my day

some good jokes there matey i love the tramp one and the liverpool ones, i like the light bulb one lol, made me giggle

my jokes for today, i have some gooduns:

1.WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.



MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a
pub and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and
I don't give a shit.


2.Did you hear about the terrorist who hijacked a 747 full of Pakis?

He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.



3.What's the difference between Heath Ledger and Madeleine McCann?

Heath Ledger wasn't meant to have the whole pack of sleeping pills


4.Did you hear the result from African Nations Cup.
Togo Eight - Ethopia Didn't




5.I was really shocked when I first saw the sketch of Madeleine McCann's abductor...

.... Kate McCann looks really sexy with a moustache!


and one more for good measure lol




6.What do you do if your daughter starts smoking?

Use more lube

LOL!! the McCann 1's the best!

K a couple of McCannn jokes...

Q. What's the difference between Pope John Paul II and Madeleine McCann?
A. The Pope died a virgin.

Q. What's the difference between the McCanns and Gary Glitter?
A. Gary Glitter comes back from his holidays with more kids than he left with.

3. "The main objective of the Madeleine fund is to leave no stone unturned in the search for Madeleine." Except the stone they buried her under, presumably.


4. There once was a young girl called Maddie
She had such an irresponsible daddy
Snatched from her bed
She's probably dead
Raped by a Portuguese baddy


5. Jose Mourinho has said he wants to go back to Portugal and never be seen or heard from again. The McCanns have offered to help.

6. Congratulations to Madeleine McCann - 2007 Hide and Seek European Championships winner!

7. Why is Madeleine McCann like a submarine?
Both are 10 feet under and full of seamen!

8.Whats the difference between the Scottish and Madeleine McCann?
The Scottish are still tight.

9. What's the difference between Maddie and a red Ferrari?
I don't have a red Ferrari in my garage

10. Maddie's Gravestone: R.I.P (Raped in Portugal).

11. Maddie's dad went on television in America the other day and took a 30 minute grilling about child safety.
Which is nothing compared to the five hour roasting Maddie took in that dark cave.

haha trent there good fella, nice to see some new mcane jokes twsited with heath ledger, what wonderful world we live in lol

haha nice charlie some i hadnt herd before in there lol.

What did one gay sperm say to the other?








I can't find my way through all this shit. ...

LOL

lol kava, good one

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope." replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?". Again Jimmy says "Nope." "You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of
lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

I went to a bukakke party the other day..... I don't know what came over me!

haha nice trent

right not really a joke... it's a definition..

if you remember kool aid man you'll get it


1. Angry Kool-Aid Man

When you are eating a bitch out and she suddenly has her period. Your face is then covered in her blood. You then break through the wall yelling out "Oh yeeeahh!"

"Man, Heather had her rag yesterday and I was able to pull an Angry Kool-Aid Man after I went down on her."

and another...


1. Angry Panda

This is where you shoot your load all over a woman's face and then give her a black eye making her resemble an angry panda

1 The Pirate

This is where you cum in there eye and kick there shin so there hopin around on one leg shouting, "arrrrrrr"


2 The eye shot

This is where you doind here from behind then spit on her back thinking you have cum she turns around then you let it go in her eye.

lmao urban dictionary?

x

1. My girlfriend said she wanted to have a serious talk to me about our relationship. We had a nice meal and some wine and then she started. "I think we need to decide in what direction our relationship is going." "I feel we are at a crossroads: one path leads to hardship and commitment but, ultimately, to happiness and joy; the other, well, it just leads to a dead end." She paused. "So what do you say?"

I thought about it for a while and then replied, "That's not a crossroads, you silly cow, that's a T-Junction"

2. When I was fucking this girl last night, she called out my brothers name instead of mine, what did I expect though, they'd been married 20 years.

3. A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"


4. A guy is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts! "Could you fix the Fridge door? It won't close properly." "Fix the fridge door ? Does it look like I have Zanussi written on my forehead ? I don't think so."
"Fine !" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door ? They're about to break."

"Does it look like I've got Ronseal written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!" So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed. "Hey, how'd this all get fixed ?"

"Well" she says, "when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him."
"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?", He asked.
She replied: "HELLO!!!... Do you see Mr. Kipling written on my forehead ? I don't think so !!"

hope you all enjoy

lmao nice couple of jokes there