funny one lines/jokes

?
dont leave us in suspense fool

Yeh come on rock hit we need to know! (btw it is currently 3:30 a/m and i want to go to bed but work starts in 30 mins woo.......)

omg that political thing was meant to be a joke in itself, you said this is the first thread on topic so I tried to change the topic


i now like the knowledge that I can hold up the important people of our clan(...oh and charlie n chunk) with a single line

My girlfriend told me she was hoping for a white Christmas...

...So I came in her eyes!

haha trent awsome



Ukrockhit shut up i am the oonnnneee and onnnnnnnnnnnnly

that what I meant I can control you view small lines

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each
week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began
to understand how the magician did every trick..

Once he understood, the parrot started shouting in the middle of the show

"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.


They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:

"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

haha i love that one trent actually laughed out loud lol.

has been a long time so im going to treat you boys today
1. A journalist goes to Iraq and is surprised to see that the local men allow their wives to walk in front of them. The journalist approaches a local and says, "I thought the custom in Islamic countries was for wives to walk ten paces behind their husbands?"

"It was," replied the local, "but that all changed with the war."

"How did the war change things?" the journalist enquired.

The local replied, "land mines."

2.Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!"

Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old concrete block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!

The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!".

So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.

"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked.

The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?"

The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.

The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat is really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I have him tied to a big, old concrete block."

3.Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

i think that last one is my fave lol

lol nice trent.. i like the iraq 1

lol there good, i like the iraq too, good to be back

quite liked Irak and professor hehe

2 jokes today for all you wonderfull lads, bit of a redneck theme today lol
hope you enjoy

1. A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a local "redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), if he guessed correctly, he would get his Free sex.

The buyer then guessed (, the proprietor said,
"You were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up, again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed (2) this time, again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it aint, Billy Ray, it's not rigged-my wife won twice last week."

2. Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their pickemup truck.

Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey," says the lone hunter, "I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try.

A little while later one says to the other, "Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yep," the other added, "but we're gittin' further away from the truck...."

lol both good, but the hunter one is the better one

lol hehe

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

lol nice

"Why men are not agony aunts"

*****

Dear Neville,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him any more.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk


Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Neville

i wasnt gonna do another joke but then i saw this one and it made me crack up

My girlfriend said I've got the biggest cock she'd ever seen,
That's one of the benefits of going out with a 10 year old.

my god on a roll today lmao

How do you castrate a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw

lol all good, the 10 year old one is best tho, lol you nutter

LMAO!! that 10yr 1s so goood!

you like 10yr olds do you charlie?

trent the man !

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde. 'Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the Lawyer.
Clyde responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Clyde said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and
didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you Feeling?'

'Now tell me, what the fuck would you say?'